This afternoon I was playing with Iris in the nursery. She was sitting in the rocking chair and I was at her feet showing her various toys. She paused to play with a rattle and I asked Siri to play me some music.
Siri obliged and shuffled through some songs on my iPhone. The first song that came up was ‘Such a Woman’ by Neil Young and it made me want to cry.
When my parents got married in 2004 (?) this was the song that they got married to. Their first dance was to ‘Harvest Moon’, in which Neil Young sings to his wife ‘I wanna see you dance again – on this harvest moon’.
How lovely to be so enamoured by someone that you still want to dance with them after years and years. Just like Dad and Mum. That is why these songs were chosen at my parents’ wedding (glossing over the fact Neil Young has since left the wife that he wrote this about *ahem*).
I was 19 when they got married. Or maybe 20. One of those two, dates confuse me. My two brothers were younger – my littlest brother could only have been 14 or 15.
I remember asking my sister, after her marriage and after she had the boys, ‘aren’t you happy now that all the angsting is over and you know what your life is about now’. I must have been in the throes of some boy related heart break or other.
I am on the other side of the angst now. I am settled and finally have my baby.
I do try not to worry about it all being taken away but sometimes it is hard not to. The angst of my twenties has been replaced with a better understanding of the passage of time.
I listened to the song that my parents got married to and I remembered that wedding. My boyfriend at the time refused to go to the wedding and so I took my best friend with me instead. She introduced herself using his name all evening. Angst.
It seems like it was yesterday but actually my Mum wasn’t much older than me at the time and now I have a fiancé and Iris. I am the one who will be getting married.
Every so often I get a feeling like a kick in the gut because right now I am so happy. Everything in my little World is perfect and I could quite happily stay like this forever but I can’t and who knows what might come next.
I understand that we should live in the moment and for the most part I really do but there will always be times when something as simple as a song will remind me of the passage of time and the ups and downs of life.
It is a bitter sweet feeling though because I have everything I have ever wanted right now and I really do count my blessings and want things to stay like this but I feel so excited as I look at Iris and think of the wonderful things she has ahead of her still.